jesterlies | Inbox: Iyashikei

[He tries. Without telling him why, of course, but he does try to stop him. Of course, there are things that he doesn’t want him to see, and obviously thats the only reason he doesn’t want him to go back, so why wouldn’t he?]

[But he goes and Shadow Milk scoffs like a stubborn cat and slips off into the shadows. And he stays there, anxiously the entire time. What if he doesn’t come back? What if thats it, Pure Vanilla gave up on him for good and left him here? Well! Well, that’s fine!! Its his house now! Obviously!]

[He’ll do whatever he wants! Maybe he will change the decor around! Maybe he will sew together some table cloths in his colors and banners and put a new doll on his bed and- ]

[Unfortunately what Pure Vanilla is greeted with is the results of a manic episode and fabric and sewing all over the living room.]

[It takes a moment for him to realize he’s back. Relief and trepidation run through him. Eventually Pure Vanilla might feel the shadows watching him.]

[But then suddenly a little blue and black quilted coaster will find its way under his tea.]

[ For a moment, he stares at the coaster under his tea. Shadow Milk really went sewing insane over just that day, huh? He sets his tea cup down onto it.

It's ridiculous how this is what finally breaks him down again. This one simple act of kindness, from someone whose tormented and tortured him, whose ripped him apart, who dropped him into the milk of his soul and tried to drown him in his memory... but is trying now.

And he knows it's not a lie. He might have thought so, had they not made that little bit of breakthrough earlier.

But it's also been not terribly long since the War ended, since Shadow Milk dug his claws in and tore and then-

Sorry, Shadow Milk.

Pure Vanilla covers his eyecings with his hands and begins to cry. Not as bad as he did before but silent big fat drops. ]

[Hey what the fuck]

[Uh! That was not his intended reaction, and he figured- okay if he went back and lived through what he remembers then that means him hitting him with the airship, their rematch, him dropping him in the milk lake of truth, the torment nexus, green bean-]

[Yeah okay, so he was expecting a liiiittle hostility? But not tears!! What the fuck happened? Did he actually kick the bucket?? No, no, that can’t be it. Pure Vanilla wouldn’t mourn h-]

Whoa, Yikes uh.

[The shadows recede again and then suddenly Pure Vanilla gets a familiar shadow milk doll dropped on him.]

Did you miss me that much, Silly Vanilly? Jeez!

[ The suddenly doll startles him enough to drop his hands and look down towards it. He hasn't stopped crying, he doesn't think he's going to stop yet for a while, but he does wipe at his eyecings with his hand before picking the doll up. He sets it on the table in front of him. ]

You- [ sniff ] - you are so insufferable.

[ He sounds tired, a little flat. A very familiar tone of voice. ]

I don't think I will ever understand you.

[ It sounds almost like an admission of defeat. There's no follow up of but I want to. There's none of his usual optimism.

Even with the time spent in Shadow Milks memories, as the Prophet, the Cookie is an enigma. Hot one moment, cold the next.

Tears still track down his face. ]

[There's a marked silence following that statement. A thick feeling in the air of suspension, of a breath being held.]

[Shadow Milk picks him apart meticulously from the shadows, still having not shown himself. Eyes gaze from corners in the kitchen. So, did Pure Vanilla hit his limit with forgiveness? Was Shadow Milk just fooling himself when he finally agreed to take his hand? Was it always going to be that they were just a hair apart from finding that understanding?]

[...Something isn't quite right, though. This does not look like the Pure Vanilla he left back home. So ...he's seen more, then. Something beyond what he knows.]

He doesn't want to be seen right now, to be exposed or vulnerable, but he needs to know more. It's not because he's worried, obviously. It's just- it's unsettling seeing this person finally hit their limit. He remains where he is for now.]

That's kind of the brand, Nils. [Being insufferable.] Do you regret it now? Offering your hand to me in this place?

[ Since Shadow Milk remains in hiding, Pure Vanilla will talk to the doll. Stare at it's adorable little smile and remember finding it on the chair in the Spire. Unsure if it had been a gift or something to mock him. Ultimately accepting it as a gift.

That loneliness in Shadow Milk that still lingers.

He sighs to the question, reaching out to rearrange the dolls hair, lifting his hand to wipe at his eyecings again. He's beginning to feel a little sticky. ]

... No.

[ It's easy how it comes out of his mouth, and Pure Vanilla lets it settle on his tongue. Tests it. Yes, it's truth. ]

No, I don't regret it. But I can't forgive you for what you did to my friends. To me once more. I can't help but worry you will do it again, once your power returns to you. That you will decide my attempts to understand you will set you off again, and you will pull me down once more.

[ He reaches out and gathers the doll up again, hugging it to him, his eyes closing as he leaks on it. ]

Can you promise me? Can you promise you won't lash out like that again?

[ He doesn't want to lose him. Not after... not after seeing his body with the other Beasts, Jam shattered and dough lifeless and still. But he can't go on without some reassurance he won't have his mind ripped apart again, the pain and agony screaming through him. ]

... Please?

[ It's quiet. ]

[…is he truly mourning him? Is that what’s happened? No, there must be more, but he can’t help the way something in him aches when he pleads like that.]

[Once upon a time, he would have howled at Pure Vanilla acting so pathetic. Shoved his face in the ground and paraded his ego endlessly over such anguish. Now, he just feels empty. And yet, even now, he is still reaching for him.]

I never asked for forgiveness. Everything I’ve done, I’ve done without remorse.

[So, he accepts he wont get it. But too, its a little white lie. There is something he regrets still. Its an uncomfortable feeling.]

[It gets worse because of what he’s asking. He could lie very easily, and just agree. Reassure him with empty lies, but this feels so fragile for them both.]

No.

[Which sounds like a refusal at first. Instead, Pure Vanilla will feel something bump against his legs. Something soft and weighty. A cream sheep has loafed down under the table.]

But I promise that I will try like before, to reel them in.

[Like when he did the one time, when Vanilla offered him the bracelet.]

Believe me or not, I don’t find any joy in hurting you these days.

[ Without remorse hurts, but he understands that at least. Everything Shadow Milk did was for a purpose. He remembers the memory. Witches, where were you? Why, after everything, you wouldn't intervene?

He sighs softly and grimaces to the No, but it seems like the truth, at least. Shadow Milk could have placated him, kicked their carefully built biscuit bricks out from under them by telling him he promises. He's not sure if that pleases him or not.

Instead he just feels even more tired. A slump in his shoulders.

The movement against his legs makes him look down and he pauses. A cream sheep.... Shadow Milk. Yes. Shadow Milk has distinctive looks even when shapeshifting.

He's silent for a moment then puts the doll back onto the table. Shadow Milk gets no warning as Pure Vanilla slides off the chair and under the table to take hold of the milk sheep. And flop his face into the wool.

He's not sure he trusts him. Not fully. But he wants to. He hurts so much and he doesn't want to hurt anymore. He's lost Lily. The Beasts are dead. Dark Enchantress Cookie's fate was cruel and dismal. ]

I believe you.

[ The but lingers silently. But Pure Vanilla is hanging on a candy floss. ]

[The but is there, for sure, but its a strangely comforting thing. It makes better sense to Shadow Milk in a bitter kind of way. Vanilla's insistence at trying to understand him, and blindly offer his hand to help had always felt disingenuous. Too difficult to believe and trust. What hand keeps getting offered out after it's bit time and again but a stupid one, or one with ill intent.]

[Pure Vanilla should treat him with trepidation. He has not changed that much over the few months he has been here. It's more reassuring to him, that Pure Vanilla is being more careful.]

[And yet he feels a weird sense of grief.]

[He lets him hold him like that for a while, just Pure Vanilla holding onto a cream sheep for comfort. For Shadow Milk's comfort, really. Just his! After some time he huffs. Butts at him a little baa.]

You're a mess.

[He's just going to wiggle under him until he hefts him up and just casually toddles his way back to Vanilla's room. Get into bed idiot.]

Am I?

[ He's butted at and he takes that as his cue to let go. Shadow Milk has offered all the comfort he's willing to give. It's not like Pure Vanilla can't seek out Hollyberry, too, he knows this. He just truly didn't wish to go anywhere after coming back. He doesn't want to see Hollyberry just yet.

He's about to stand when Shadow Milk moves and he makes a surprised noise when he's lifted like this instead, the thick sheep body enough to lay on. For a moment he simply holds the wool quietly, then snorts a bitter noise. ]

Ah, I must be, if you are showing concern.

[ He can see the irony in it. His torturer giving comfort.

And it makes him mad a little. Not enough to speak up, but the thoughts swirl in his head. He wants to yell at him. If you had simply joined forces! If you had simply taken his hand when he first offered it! If all you hadn't been so stubborn! Then the Ancients and Beasts together could have taken down Silent Salt and Dark Enchantress! And you wouldn't be dead, and she wouldn't be dead, and the Guardians wouldn't have had to interfere in the natural order, and-

He bites his tongue and instead merely sighs.

Then blinks as they enter the room and he notices all the changed things. He pauses as he pushes himself up, looking at all the blue and black, taking over the gold and white.

Blinks again. ]

... I was gone for a day...?

Yes, so consider yourself lucky, that you've been graced with my generosity and concern!

[Ah, a joke like that feels off now. The Pure Vanilla of yesterday would have maybe laughed or made a cheeky remark. They would have bantered a little back and fourth. This Pure Vanilla...he isn't sure.]

[Something about the loss of that ...ah. What a strange feeling.]

[He huffs a little, then transforms finally into his proper form, hoisting him up and putting him in bed.]

I was bored! What, did you think I would just sit there while you were gone and do nothing? Please. I like to keep busy! You're welcome, by the way.

[He was anxious and neurotic and making up lots of fun scenarios in his head about whether or not Pure Vanilla just wouldn't come back. Maybe he didn't survive the war, maybe he just liked it better on Earthbread, maybe he forgot about him! Maybe-]

You're ridiculous.

[ Ah, there's that familiar Truthless tone. Flat. Tired. Vaguely annoyed, but not in an upset manner. More in exasperation. Truthfully, time had passed quite a bit back home before he returned. It seems only a day had gone by here, as promised by the Council, but back home... The War had ended, he had returned to the Vanilla Kingdom, and had thrown himself into grieving and healing, and slowly crumbling at the seams.

Doubting and blaming himself.

He heaves a sigh as he's placed into bed, he can do that, sir! But he suspects it's Shadow Milks way of making sure he knows where he's at.

How clingy the Cookie has gotten...! He should be glad, he wanted this, he wanted Shadow Milk to rely on him, on others, to let friendship in. Memories are just, perhaps, too fresh right now for Pure Vanilla to feel happy about it.

Instead he wrinkles his nose, eying the decorations. ]

And where have you put my things?

[It is that similar tone. It hurts in its own way. He screamed and howled and mourned the death of that cookie, because that cookie had been molded to be exactly what he wanted at the time, only for it have been a lie he was fooled with.]

[The idea of him returning churns something uncertain in him. Something a little bitter and frustrated. Something he doesn't really want to address right now so he's going to shove it in a box and pretend it isn't there lalalala-]

I'm a jester.

[So yes, he is ridiculous.]

[He floats his way over to the closet to find him something more comfortable to lay about in. waves his hand and lets his tea cup from earlier appear on the nightstand, under the coaster he placed earlier.]

I dropped them in the other-realm.

[A lie. There are a few boxes right at the closet that have "Vanilly" written on it in blue font. He peers over his shoulder to see if Vanilla buys it or if Vanilla realizes its a lie like he would have yesterday and found the joke funny. Testing the waters...]

[ He watches Shadow Milk float - ridiculous - over to the closet, and he opens his mouth to say something like 'of course you did' to the comment of the other-realm before his eyes land on the boxes. And, admittedly, his eyesight is back to being atrocious without the soul jam, but he can make out the V in his name. The blue helps it stand out.

Pauses quietly for a moment, his face blank.

Finally; ]

A strange name for our closet.

[ Waters tested and Pure Vanilla is still Pure Vanilla. He's using the Recluse mask to hide the grief and pain and self-hatred. Deep down he's still him, but he's trying so hard not to just sit there and sob until he falls asleep. ]

["Our" yes. Okay. OKAY. He perks up a little, hopefully Vanilla doesn't notice. Our. Ourourourour. He can work with this.]

[He snickers, pulling out one of Vanilla's little sleeping robes.]

Considering what's in there, it may as well be the other-realm!

[Probably because he made a mess, but details. He sets the robe on the bed and crosses his arms.]

I am amendable to decorating suggestions, of course! But you almost never use this room anyway so I helped myself!

[If he both covered the entire house in his things but kept Pure Vanilla's stuff somewhere, then surely it would mean Pure Vanilla would come back if just to be annoyed at him! For what he has done! This is what he was thinking while he carefully packed his things for safe people while manically redecorating the house in his colors.]</small.

It's not that bad.

[ A little banter back. He can see what Shadow Milk is trying to do and as frustrating as it can be to deal with the blue menace... he understands he's trying. It hurts and it warms his heart at the same time. Oh, why couldn't he have gotten through to him before this.

He looks at what is laid out and sighs. Okay, okay. Carefully he scoots himself out of bed and begins to change his icing. He's neglected eating again. Overextended his healing. ]

Mm, you seemed to like the room, so I wasn't going to kick you out. I've been sleeping in the other room. If you wish to remake this one into your colors, you're more than welcome to.

[ Comfy bed clothes on, Pure Vanilla folds his others carefully. Speaking of, though, he's not going to kick Shadow Milk out of the bed he's claimed as his own, so he hesitates before making his way to the door. ]

I can move my things into the other room later.

[Perhaps because for Shadow Milk to finally crack, he truly had to hit rock bottom. Unfortunately that rock bottom was as bottom as it could get.]

[He nods as he sees Vanilla pick up what he's put down. Unhappy to see perhaps, that his health has gone utterly by the wayside. Of course he's watched Vanilla a lot. Knows his habits from when he spied on him from the Other-Realm. He will have to keep a close eye on him so he doesn't just crumble. So troublesome!]

...I see no reason they both can't stay here.

[Its not like he doesn't like the contrast of colors or anything. Gold and white are his colors too!! And then he gets up! And walks to the door?? Shadow Milk makes such a noise of affront.]

Hey, where are you going? I carried you all the way here for a reason!

[ That's met with silence again, as Pure Vanilla turns to look at Shadow Milk. Study him and the expression on his face. He wants to be alone, and he doesn't want to kick Shadow Milk out of the room he's claimed as his.

And, perhaps, he knows he shouldn't be alone. Knows if he's alone he's going to spiral further. He won't rest. He doesn't want to rest, truly. Resting means thinking.

He always understood Shadow Milk on that front.

So he fidgets, unsure of how to answer. Finally goes with the safe bet. ]

It's your room, I don't wish to kick you out.

What makes you think I'm going anywhere?

[Fine! They can have a stand down about this. Shadow Milk wasn't going to announce his intentions but if! Pure Vanilla is going to fight him about it then!! he guesses he will!!]

[Even if he kind of wants to take the whole thing back. This is stupid. All of this is stupid. He should maybe consider disappearing into the shadows for a week.]

[ Oh.

Ah, Shadow Milk, you're so frustrating. So utterly exasperating.

Pure Vanilla moves back over to the bed to climb into it, moving the covers around so he can slide into them, pull them up as he lays down.

He closes his eyes to try and rest.

And yes, he left room for Shadow Milk. A side all for him. ]

[Good! It's his bed anyway!!]

[Not long after Pure Vanilla tucks in, he will feel the bed dip in around the very foot of the bed, and then something slithers up beside him, first as a snake and then he shifts back so he is nestled right up against him.]

[Yes.]

[Good.]

[It's been a strange month with all those weird creatures roaming about and ever since then Shadow Milk has had some odd inclinations and he thinks maybe this is one of them??? hm! This is comfy he likes it here. He makes a little churring noise.]

[ He absolutely expected a snake, or a sheep, or some other shape shifted version of Shadow Milk. He knows it helps the other to separate himself from his actions. The Cookie is a shapeshifter, after all, and though it's part of the lies it's also a way for him to do things he can pretend aren't him doing it.

What he's not expecting is the snake to turn... back into Shadow Milk.

That's shocking enough that for a moment he almost doesn't hear the noise. Then he does and he opens his mouth as if to ask what in the world?

Closes it again.

Decides not to look a gift biscuit horse in the mouth.

Instead he snuggles in a little in return, turning his head to rest his head against Shadow Milks. There's the blankets between them too SO-!

He's leaking again, sorry. ]

... Thank you.

[ A very quiet whisper. ]

[Yeah, well. Maybe he also needs this. Maybe he came a little too close to also losing him today and he doesn't want to think about it.]

...Don't leave again.

[Because he nearly vibrated to crumbles after just a day. Arms snake around him, clinging to the blankets in turn. His hair does the same, it seeks out and finds something to cling onto or touch. Proof that he's still here and that he came back.]

I won't.

[ He can't stand the idea. To go back to a world where everyone is continuing on without knowing the sacrifices made. That those who should have gotten second chances instead had their lives ripped from them.

As he's clung to, wrapped around, he turns onto his side. Faces Shadow Milk to both tuck himself into him, and tuck Shadow Milk in against him. He can slide an arm under him under the blankets, reach up around the blankets to curl it over him.

And just hold him and quietly weep until he drifts off into a light sleep. ]

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