jesterlies | INBOX

If you feel remorseful over such a thing, you shouldn't! I make no excuses for who I am and what I've done, you know. I'm still a Beast.

[A Beast who has gone through a lot of change in a short period of time. A beast who's felt himself walking a path to something better and less hateful because of a certain someone, but the blood is more than still on his hands.]

...Sounds like him. I'll consider it.

I'm not sure what I feel. I really should talk to Mizuki about all of this. ... You might want to consider it too? He's younger than us by far, but he's very good at what he does...

[...]

The therapist? [He barks a laugh.] Guardian, a therapist isn't fixing what's going on up here, but it's a nice thought.

[Hum.]

That makes two of us, though. We really are a laugh, huh?

You think it's going to fix me? ... We're not things that can be fixed, you and I. But it can ease the burden, a little.

( she hums softly before letting herself slide into leaning on him. it's her couch and her drugs and he's there so therefor he's cuddleable and it's legal. this makes sense. this is logical.

logic. )

That's the nicer term for it.

Hn.

[Fair point! He turns that over in his head a bit, thinking about it. He'll scoff at the idea later, but he's high so, he's thinking.]

[But then suddenly she's right there and he makes a little noise in surprise.]

- You know. [He's suddenly...not tense, but there's that sensation he gets when he's being touched and he isn't sure if its good or bad. Like he wants it more than anything but the thought of it burns him almost.]

You're the only reason I left the garden.

[Wow, okay, where did that come from? Is he nervous? He's yapping because he's nervous and he's too high to lie.]

... I'm glad I went, then. Your little cakehound showed up at my door one day, whining and howling, you know. And then Nene followed.

( she wants to lie and say she's not sure why she did it, but- she can't. as bitter and angry as she was- and still is on some level- pure vanilla cookie insisted there was something there worth saving. and if she turned her back on someone who ultimately fell like she did, what did that mean for herself?

... but that doesn't quite matter right now. the sun gleams through the windows and she idly debates on where she should start hanging suncatchers, and it's quiet. )

Do you regret it at all? Coming back.

[What was he expecting? Regret? For her to be in despair because she kept him from oblivion unknowingly? Maybe. Maybe it would have been validating to- to just put aside these conflicting feelings if she hated him beyond a shadow of a doubt.]

[But instead she says that she's glad and he doesn't know what to do with that. His breath catches a moment.]

He's fussy, isn't he? Affectionate and greedy about it.

[He adores that little thing.]

...It's hard, Guardian. I really thought there was no point, that I lost truly everything. Again. I was ...so tired of hurting like this.

[...]

It doesn't feel hopeless anymore. I haven't felt the need to destroy everything I know with my own two hands in order to drown out that feeling. I'm sure you have something to do with it.

( lily listens quietly, because she gets it. for the first week the only reason she got up at all were for the animals and the hatchlings. and then, to care for him. she's still not sure if she's gotten out of bed for herself once as of late. )

... It is. But we're still here, aren't we? We're still moving forward.

I'd like to think that counts for something.

[He nods.]

I told Flowerbud [Nene.], that if I managed to come back despite what that entity did to me, then, maybe it would be worth seeing what comes of it. I still think that's True.

[He's let her initiate the contact all this time, because- frankly the idea of him reaching for any himself feels like asking for retaliation. But...for once, he tentatively seeks out her hand. It is an oddly shy thing, almost like he's asking for permission.]

...Thank you.

( she accepts, gently holding his hand in turn. it feels strange, and yet... somehow, it's right? )

... Thank you, in turn. It would be very hard to keep going alone.

He'd be upset if we just gave up. I really can't stand the idea of him giving me that look.

[He entwines their fingers together, tentatively brushing his thumb over her knuckles.]

Looks like it's you and me, then. Didn't have that on the bingo card, have to say.

... Yes. And- if he's still out there somewhere... it wouldn't do to worry him, would it?

( there's a certain intimacy in the gesture. it is... unexpected. she doesn't stop it. )

Life does have a way of surprising people. And you're growing still. ... I think he'd be proud of you.

No. Iiiii don't need to have a lecture be the first thing he says to me once we find him!

[There's a little bit of that jest in his voice again. A little. It gets undercut by the way Lily says he'd be proud of him, which, rises such a conflicted feeling in his chest. Would he?]

[Would he?]

[It's so hard to know which way he should go without him there to guide him. He's been blind in more ways then one. So ...is that really true? He has no choice but to trust her. Like he has been all along. He lets out a shaky exhale and then asks for the roll again with his free hand.]

I hope so. I guess I must be doing fine for flying blind like I am.

[Haha. Funny joke, get it? Because he's-]

Edited 2025-05-16 05:57 (UTC)

( she gives it over without a word, thinking quietly. there's a loneliness in her that she's not sure can ever be sated, even if pure vanilla and dark cacao did come back. but they're both here, aren't they? ... but how does she even broach that topic- stars above, why did her mind go this route?

... ah, right, spring.

fucking spring.

she doesn't think her body is experiencing anything different, just her mind. but it really is annoying.

oh right they're talking- )

... Pfft. If anyone claims to know what they're doing, especially in the wake of grief, they're a liar.

[He takes another drag and lets out a short laugh.]

Aaand there's not a single person alive who can lie to themselves better than I!

[Hm. This has all been very candid. Is this what happens when he partakes? He starts speaking Truth? Disgusting. He's going to strangle Pure Vanilla for doing this to him.]

...Guardian, you're thinking awfully loud.

Ah- am I, now...?

( ...

it's her turn to rub her thumb along the back of his hand, shifting her legs to curl up a bit better. )

... I'm not sure how to say it. Orrrr if I... should?

You're being serious, aren't you?

[He's a little surprised! But...he also gets it. He understands.]

[He's spent so many eons touch-starved only to gain intimacy and then lose it again. He can't lie and think he hasn't been ...wanting. Just the idea of it with her of all people felt like a joke to even entertain.]

[And yet.]

...Nn. Do you want me to shapeshift into something you like more?

I'm a little surprised you picked up on it so quickly. ... Or that you seem to be okay with it?

( it's almost bashful, the way she mumbles into her free hand. )

... No. I won't do that to you.

( after a moment of debate, she looks at- him? the blueberry beholder? )

Are you certain?

Like I said, your thoughts were loud!

[And his own may have been wandering which is how he picked up on it, he won't say.]

[His staff is propped against the seat, but it does look at her closely while he sits back. He hums noncommittally when she turns down his offer. He would have done it! Because he hates himself that much But there were some forms he would have vetoed.]

[To her question he shrugs a little.]

Mm. We both ...know we're not what we really want, right? But I'm tired of this loneliness.

... So am I.

( it's a quiet whisper of a confession. she takes a moment to inhale- the roll is almost gone between the two of them. she'll set it on the ashtray and move it the much more stable side table.

and then she simply swings herself to straddle his lap. she's light, so it shouldn't be too bothersome, right? )

Not too rough, okay? I'm not really in the mood for that right now.

[Oh!]

[Well shit, okay. He makes a soft oof! as she straddles him. This is really happening, huh?]

[He lets out a breath as his face becomes warm. His staff- actually, he wills the beholder to close its eye. He doesn't want to disorient himself with the spacial dissonance between what he might be doing and what he can see. It sounds like a quick way to get overstimulated way too fast.]

I'm blind, Guardian, you'll be lucky if I can figure out where anything is.

[That said, his hands find her thighs easy enough, sliding under the hem of whatever she might be wearing.]

Edited 2025-05-16 07:04 (UTC)

( shes wearing a simple knee-length skirt that's riding up very quickly given the situation, a high collared tank-top and something like a haori. very cozy. very spring.

his touch gives her shivers- how starved for affection she must be. )

Ah- I should warn you that I'm probably very different than what you're used to, then-

( lily rests a hand against his chest before she leans in, lips brushing against his cheek. a proper kiss is- too intimate, too much, she thinks. but this should be fine. )

[She's only as starved for affection as he is. That brush against his cheek gets a sharp breath out of him. His skin is already warming up, the flush showing as dark indigo across is skin.]

[His hands trail up the curve of her ass, holding her steady on his lap, fingers pressing into her skin just enough so that his claws are not yet biting, but close.]

[her words make him pause, though, gears turning in his head.]

Ha? In what way?

[...Like. Biologically? Oh, she's a woman, so yeah, he supposes that makes sense. Wait- so then.]

( honestly she should just tell him, but- wasn't he saying something about how he no longer is having the answers fed to him? )

... You'll see.

( is what she settles on instead, teasing and light. she's sure he can already feel some physical difference where their hips meet, even with clothes in the way.

he holds onto her like a lifeline though, so she won't linger for too long. instead she decides to gently start at his clothes, starting with the buttons of his shirt. )

... Stop me if I do anything you don't like though, okay?

[How sneaky! But you have dangled a mystery in front of him and his desire to Know is insatiable.]

Will I? Guardian, that’s rude-

[He’s not really offended, but he does Hum!! In a way that seems mischievous and retracts his claws so he can really start investigating her skin.]

Don’t worry, you’ll know it I don’t like something- [And his hands go right up under shirt, curious.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject