jesterlies | INBOX

[ The feeling of suspicion hurts but he gets it, especially after the amount of grief it placed Shadow Milk in. The pain. He can't hide the brief flash of his own pain on his face as his Other-Half leans back and searches him like that. He keeps himself open, his hands moving to settle onto Shadow Milks arms instead. ]

I don't know.

[ It's the Truth. He doesn't know what happened. They're both naked, so there's no jams to touch. He moves his hands down to take Shadow Milks and closes his eyes, opens his mind for the other so he can dive in and look. See what happened.

Before he does though he whispers a soft This might hurt, my Bluebird into his mind. ]

[To his benefit, when he hears the way he answers that question and reads the Truth from it, he immediately kills that suspicion. It's habit, he can't help it. He's learning to trust a little more every day, even with Pure Vanilla.]

[Anyway, this just sets him a little more on edge, though, for him to be acting that way. For him to open his mind but then give him such a warning. What on earth could he possibly be about to show him?]

[Oh it is so much worse than he could have possibly guessed.]

[He only lasts a few moments into the memory. As Vanilla walks the halls of the Spire of Knowledge, and unfathomable dread begins to build in his get. But of course, the sound of the voice calling out to him, the opening of the door-]

[and then seeing him-]

[Shadow Milk simply can't handle it.]

NO!

[He recoils away from Pure Vanilla as if burned, in a way so violent it's almost reminiscent of his first encounter with Truthless out in the woods. That face, that appearance, that person. No, no, no, how can it be? He's dead! He's dead, and he's been dead for thousands of years! He is the one who killed that miserable, pathetic cookie!]

[What was Pure Vanilla doing gallivanting with him? With that ghost? What on Earthbread is happening-]

[ Oh, 'this might hurt' was definitely an understatement. The sensation from the other rolls hot through him, makes him wince as his Bluebird jerks back like that, leaves his hands empty and curling lightly onto themselves. It hurts, because Shadow Milk is hurt. Angry. The violence churns in him like it would have before.

It was a mistake showing him, but there is no secrets between them. Vanilla refuses. He settles his hands in his lap, his expression miserable. ]

I'm sorry, Bluebird.

[ For showing him. For reopening that wound that was closed, though he's not sure how he did it. For knowing this may make him take several steps backwards, killing the progress he had been making. It was too much, too soon... ]

[It certainly feels that way, doesn't it. It rises in him like a violent tsunami, that anger, but Vanilla will also know it for what it really is. It's fear, its upset, it's dread and confusion. It's the reason he struggles to look in a mirror, why he shapeshifts away that golden eye still.]

[Vanilla got to meet Blueberry Milk Cookie in a moment where he was perhaps feeling his utmost happy, but Shadow Milk remembers what it felt to be him in his utmost misery. He remembers the anguish, the loneliness, and the moment his mind finally cracked. How that cookie died to make way for the monster.]

[That he has awakened fills him with horror, because it means he could find that place again. That he could open himself up to that pain again. He can't, he won't, he'll kill that cookie a hundred times if he has to-]

[Shadow Milk screams, reels back, and slams his fist through the headboard of the bed. It does not give very much other that a sickening crack, splintering the wood just a bit, but leaving something bloody in it's wake.]

Edited 2025-03-16 06:30 (UTC)

[ Awakened, or been there the entire time? Unsilenced, waiting, in pain and longing to be whole. He thinks of the loneliness he felt the first time they came together.

Oh, Blueberry...

The sudden scream rips him from his reverie and before he can stop him, Shadow Milk is smashing his fist into the headboard and Vanilla feels pain flair in his own knuckles. Which he ignores because- ]

No!

[ He reaches out quickly to grip his wrist and pull it back from the headboard, panic thudding in his heart. Someone else might fear for themselves right now, the violence so easily able to turn on him, but he doesn't. Foolish maybe, but he trusts Shadow Milk. Instead he focuses on his hand, his eyes watering to the damage done. ]

Oh, my love, no...

[ He can't heal it, but most importantly of all? He can't heal the pain Shadow Milk is going through because it's not something that can be healed away. He raises his other hand to place it on Shadow Milks cheek, cupping it, taking a chance. ]

Please, focus on me, look at me. Deep breaths, please...

[The pain explodes in his hand and climbs up his arm, and all he can feel is relief, At having some way to unleash the sheer volume of anguish building up in him, in trying to do something with that explosive, violence in him that's beginning to lean towards madness. It's short lived, however.]

[It rises in him again, it isn't enough, he needs to break something else-]

[And then Vanilla is right there in his space, and he feels something in him snap, he moves before he even realizes what's happening and his other hand clamps onto Pure Vanilla's neck. Squeeze, the violence commands, break the one that delivered to you this feeling, it will make you feel better-]

[Pure Vanilla will see, that even if his grip tightens for a moment, he looks more like a wild animal than anything else. And then, as it catches up to him, as his mind tries to come back, something takes its place, something much more human.]

[Gold flickers back in, and he chokes back a sob. For a moment, he looks so much like Blueberry Milk. The anguish threatening to drown him, the tears soaking his face, and the terror, the misery. Someone save him, someone save him, please.]

No...

[ The hand around his neck actually surprises him. The surprise should be hilarious, maybe, all things considering but he truly didn't think Shadow Milk would go for him.

Anything he might have said in that moment is choked away underneath that hand but he doesn't move his own. His fingers stroke against Shadow Milks cheek, even as his eyes flutter as he tries to get a breath in around the hand squeezing down around him for that brief moment. He can hear the thudding of his heart in his ears, growing louder.

And then it's relaxing and he inhales with a soft gasp. He can hear the pain swirling in his mind, pulsing into his soul from his Other Half. The cry for saving and his heart wrenches at it. He tightens his hand around Shadow Milks wrist, fingers pressed into the pulse there. ]

I'm here.

[ He's a little rough due to the previous squeeze, but soft. ]

I love you. I'm here. I will never leave you. You're not alone, my Soul. I love you, I love you-

[He gasps, finally ...finally coming back up for air. Breaching the surface, after drowning in his own personal milk lake of misery. His hand falls away from Vanilla's neck, and he- struggles for what to do with it. He sets it against his arm.]

[He can't stop the tears, he's just heaving sobs one after another, like he'll die if he doesn't get it all out of him. Like he'll just stop breathing if he doesn't.]

[Pure Vanilla's words sear their way into him. I love you. I'm here. I will never leave you. He's been so desperate to hear something like that his entire life and now it scares him, but he wants so badly to embrace them. To hold them. He just tried to seriously hurt Vanilla again, almost couldn't control himself, and he's still sitting there, holding him, and telling him that he loves him.]

[It's almost too much.]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, please- I didn't want-

[ The pain is like a maelstrom; tugging and pulling, forcing him under. And it's not even his. His soul screams in agony with Shadow Milks, and all he wants to do is reach out and soothe it. Hold it tightly against his own until it stops bleeding out.

The words echoing in his head get a soft, pained noise out of him and he pulls Shadow Milk in against him, arms going tightly around him. Like he can hold him tight enough to keep him together, from coming apart. ]

No, shh, I forgive you. I know. I know.

[ He lashes out because it's all he knows to do when he's hurt. Vanilla exhales softly and reaches out with his soul towards Shadow Milks. The connection is always open, they feel each other without even reaching out, but he reaches out anyways. Rather than sink himself into Shadow Milks, he tugs him into his. Encompasses him, cocoons him. ]

I have you.

[And he goes easily. Exhausted, spent, still crying out the dregs of his emotions that feels almost endless. Tears that would have cultivated swaths of Milkcrown flowers. He rests against him, weak and tired. One of his hands is still bloody and bruised, swelling from his outburst, but the other tries to hold onto him in some way.]

[He feels Vanilla's soul around his, and that safety floods him. His heart finally begins to calm down, his breathing hitches less. He really a pathetic, miserable creature, isn't he? Screaming and lashing out because ...because he had been faced with a piece of himself that he truly feared?]

[And he had gotten jealous, too. Shameful. Vanilla said that he loved him, and it shined with a Truth so grand that it made him want to scream and cry all over again. And now...he feels something rise up in him. Something imploring and hopeful, something sad, something-]

I also...

[The words are halting, hesitant. Maybe even a little afraid. But there are also familiar.]

Love you.

[Its small and soft, but it comes easier than he expects. Of course he loves him, his love for him had been what nearly ended him. His love for him burns so bright and deep it nearly drives him to madness. He would rather die than be apart from him ever again, but saying it...oh, it is. It feels much bigger.]

[ The fingers clutching against him makes him sigh, and he turns his own into Shadow Milks hair, gripping tight against the parts of it that he can. Secures him against him, wraps himself around him physically as he does with their souls. An anchor he can cling to, as the storm begins to subside.

And he doesn't think Shadow Milks pathetic, or miserable, his soul washing softly over those feelings. Gentle, tender, soothing them away as one would wipe tears. No. His Bluebird is hurt. Afraid. Terrified of finding himself and of losing himself all over again. Who wouldn't be? He was rebaked. Vanilla understands. He understands with every inch of his soul.

The rising feeling in the other makes his breathing catch just a little. It's so fragile, but it flutters with Hope. And the memory of the words makes him turn his head into against Shadow Milks, tears squeezing at the corner of his eyes as he cries for him. But the words. The words makes the tears not of pain.

They're so quiet, and they raise Hope in him as well. Shadow Milk is not ready yet to step down that path, but the work he's done hadn't been destroyed.

Rather than reply at first, Vanilla floods him with affection. Love as bright as the Sun, as scorching as it, to mingle with Shadow Milks own fire. In against his ear he whispers, and it echos in their connection. ]

I love you. You will never be alone again. I will never leave you. I love you. We're together and will remain so.

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