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Must be a new experience for you. Elder Faerie always implied that you were- made to wield the jams...

You never got a chance at normalcy, did you?

[He makes a noise at the mention of Elder Faerie but its not nearly as venomous or heated as it is usually.]

[Instead he sighs a little and then holds out his hand, asking for another try.]

Ha. No, of course not. Born fully formed with the pounding deluge of Knowledge and the Understanding of All running through my head without reprieve.

[No childhood, no time to learn and be taught, just baked and set loose. Expected to uphold virtues with little guidance.]

...

It explains a lot.

( she hands it over though, and decides she doesn't want to be sad right now. )

... You get to try now, though. That's nice, isn't it? You're trying right now.

[He takes it and, following her instruction, does it right this time. Even without Knowledge, he is a rapid learner. It just takes him one bad try to get it right.]

[As he exhales, he relaxes more, passing it back.]

Mm. I've gotten ...to experience curiosity in a way I've never before. It's strange the things you realize others take for granted. I actually get to enjoy reading books for once.

( she accepts it, smiling a bit. )

Nothing to fill in the gaps? ... That's good though. And there's lots of fun ones here. More soon, if they get the portal up...

Mm, and also- how do I explain thiiiiis...

[He very weakly waves his hand a bit, as if gesturing at nothing.]

I could simply understand everything. So reading wasn't ...it wasn't really reading, you know? I could look at a book and already know it. Now I get it ...why reading is enjoyable.

[He likes it. he actually reads quite a lot now. Reading using braille has also been a unique experience because he gets the texture under his finger tips.]

...How is that project going? I've only been passingly keeping my eyes on it.

... I hope you can continue to rediscover the world in a way that excites you.

( its soft spoken, warm yet timid, sincere.

and then she looks away. )

I'm not sure myself. I was only involved because Vanny asked me to be- despite wanting the library, I was rather uncomfortable with the idea of involving myself.

... As far as I know, they had the components. It's just a matter of building it.

[...]

[That was Truth wasn't it? What she just said to him. It's so soft and gentle it almost reminds him of-]

[No, not even in a state like this, can he make himself think something like that. Yet something...something makes him want to say something about that. About how they've gotten to where they are now and it feels like something keeps pulling them together.]

Yeah...

[What a lame response. But- he's also feeling the smoke in earnest now.]

I probably could have had it running by now but I got the impression my help wouldn't be wanted so I decided to stay out of it. I had other projects! But ...hn. I hope it's worked out soon or I might step in.

You'll need to integrate with the others somehow. ... I did- try not to say anything. Aside from A.B.A, but- she was... a special case. And at that time I couldn't fathom you as anything but a threat.

( and then a.b.a also...

...

how long has it been since she was found wailing into her hands in the attic?

lily closes her eyes and inhales before taking another drag, urging her mind to quiet. )

... They might appreciate the help regardless. Vanny had been vouching for you, you know.

If you feel remorseful over such a thing, you shouldn't! I make no excuses for who I am and what I've done, you know. I'm still a Beast.

[A Beast who has gone through a lot of change in a short period of time. A beast who's felt himself walking a path to something better and less hateful because of a certain someone, but the blood is more than still on his hands.]

...Sounds like him. I'll consider it.

I'm not sure what I feel. I really should talk to Mizuki about all of this. ... You might want to consider it too? He's younger than us by far, but he's very good at what he does...

[...]

The therapist? [He barks a laugh.] Guardian, a therapist isn't fixing what's going on up here, but it's a nice thought.

[Hum.]

That makes two of us, though. We really are a laugh, huh?

You think it's going to fix me? ... We're not things that can be fixed, you and I. But it can ease the burden, a little.

( she hums softly before letting herself slide into leaning on him. it's her couch and her drugs and he's there so therefor he's cuddleable and it's legal. this makes sense. this is logical.

logic. )

That's the nicer term for it.

Hn.

[Fair point! He turns that over in his head a bit, thinking about it. He'll scoff at the idea later, but he's high so, he's thinking.]

[But then suddenly she's right there and he makes a little noise in surprise.]

- You know. [He's suddenly...not tense, but there's that sensation he gets when he's being touched and he isn't sure if its good or bad. Like he wants it more than anything but the thought of it burns him almost.]

You're the only reason I left the garden.

[Wow, okay, where did that come from? Is he nervous? He's yapping because he's nervous and he's too high to lie.]

... I'm glad I went, then. Your little cakehound showed up at my door one day, whining and howling, you know. And then Nene followed.

( she wants to lie and say she's not sure why she did it, but- she can't. as bitter and angry as she was- and still is on some level- pure vanilla cookie insisted there was something there worth saving. and if she turned her back on someone who ultimately fell like she did, what did that mean for herself?

... but that doesn't quite matter right now. the sun gleams through the windows and she idly debates on where she should start hanging suncatchers, and it's quiet. )

Do you regret it at all? Coming back.

[What was he expecting? Regret? For her to be in despair because she kept him from oblivion unknowingly? Maybe. Maybe it would have been validating to- to just put aside these conflicting feelings if she hated him beyond a shadow of a doubt.]

[But instead she says that she's glad and he doesn't know what to do with that. His breath catches a moment.]

He's fussy, isn't he? Affectionate and greedy about it.

[He adores that little thing.]

...It's hard, Guardian. I really thought there was no point, that I lost truly everything. Again. I was ...so tired of hurting like this.

[...]

It doesn't feel hopeless anymore. I haven't felt the need to destroy everything I know with my own two hands in order to drown out that feeling. I'm sure you have something to do with it.

( lily listens quietly, because she gets it. for the first week the only reason she got up at all were for the animals and the hatchlings. and then, to care for him. she's still not sure if she's gotten out of bed for herself once as of late. )

... It is. But we're still here, aren't we? We're still moving forward.

I'd like to think that counts for something.

[He nods.]

I told Flowerbud [Nene.], that if I managed to come back despite what that entity did to me, then, maybe it would be worth seeing what comes of it. I still think that's True.

[He's let her initiate the contact all this time, because- frankly the idea of him reaching for any himself feels like asking for retaliation. But...for once, he tentatively seeks out her hand. It is an oddly shy thing, almost like he's asking for permission.]

...Thank you.

( she accepts, gently holding his hand in turn. it feels strange, and yet... somehow, it's right? )

... Thank you, in turn. It would be very hard to keep going alone.

He'd be upset if we just gave up. I really can't stand the idea of him giving me that look.

[He entwines their fingers together, tentatively brushing his thumb over her knuckles.]

Looks like it's you and me, then. Didn't have that on the bingo card, have to say.

... Yes. And- if he's still out there somewhere... it wouldn't do to worry him, would it?

( there's a certain intimacy in the gesture. it is... unexpected. she doesn't stop it. )

Life does have a way of surprising people. And you're growing still. ... I think he'd be proud of you.

No. Iiiii don't need to have a lecture be the first thing he says to me once we find him!

[There's a little bit of that jest in his voice again. A little. It gets undercut by the way Lily says he'd be proud of him, which, rises such a conflicted feeling in his chest. Would he?]

[Would he?]

[It's so hard to know which way he should go without him there to guide him. He's been blind in more ways then one. So ...is that really true? He has no choice but to trust her. Like he has been all along. He lets out a shaky exhale and then asks for the roll again with his free hand.]

I hope so. I guess I must be doing fine for flying blind like I am.

[Haha. Funny joke, get it? Because he's-]

Edited 2025-05-16 05:57 (UTC)

( she gives it over without a word, thinking quietly. there's a loneliness in her that she's not sure can ever be sated, even if pure vanilla and dark cacao did come back. but they're both here, aren't they? ... but how does she even broach that topic- stars above, why did her mind go this route?

... ah, right, spring.

fucking spring.

she doesn't think her body is experiencing anything different, just her mind. but it really is annoying.

oh right they're talking- )

... Pfft. If anyone claims to know what they're doing, especially in the wake of grief, they're a liar.

[He takes another drag and lets out a short laugh.]

Aaand there's not a single person alive who can lie to themselves better than I!

[Hm. This has all been very candid. Is this what happens when he partakes? He starts speaking Truth? Disgusting. He's going to strangle Pure Vanilla for doing this to him.]

...Guardian, you're thinking awfully loud.

Ah- am I, now...?

( ...

it's her turn to rub her thumb along the back of his hand, shifting her legs to curl up a bit better. )

... I'm not sure how to say it. Orrrr if I... should?

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